This 91-pound pumpkin, so kindly donated to our Durham Free Lunch Initiative by Meadow Lane Farm, represents the US electorate. The seeds are unaffiliated voters and the skin represents mail-in ballots. Follow me so far? Good. Once it is chopped up, roasted, and made into soup, and that soup is consumed and excreted, we will have a full understanding of who won Michigan and why neither party can offer anything to the American people beyond pointless platitudes and dull propaganda.

Ready?

Good. Let’s begin.